Sunday, June 14, 2009

Home again

When I started this blog a little over a year ago, I intended to share the joys, the triumphs, even the pratfalls. Light and entertaining was my goal.
What I hadn't considered was sharing the sorrows.
But my heart is breaking. And most of my life is bound up in that right now. How can I say nothing about it.
As some of you know, I've been gone for most of the last week. I flew home to Kansas to say goodbye to my mother.
To say goodbye to my mother.
By the time they found the cancer that was consuming her, it was too late.
She's always been tough. She's always been ready to fight, ready to make a plan and act on it.
What she couldn't do is fight through the pain when there was no hope.
We brought her home, to be in her own place, with her loved ones around her.
Family members have been arriving and departing for the last week. Children. Grandchildren. Great-grandchildren.
She mostly sleeps. We try to make her comfortable, with pain meds and endless re-arranging of pillows. She drifts in and out. She smiles sometimes, and our hearts melt.
There is always at least one with her, holding her hand, saying "I love you." People step into the room to check on her, to talk to her, to talk to each other. We hope some part of her is listening to the love, listening to the memories. Listening as we thank her for our own lives.
She gave us all she had, so we could be who we are.
We gather on the porch, in the house, in the yard. We play "Remember the time..." We hug. We laugh and we cry.
Letting go is so hard, but we know it's cruel to try to keep her. We don't beg her not to leave us.
We just tell her we love her.
But my heart is breaking.

12 comments:

Joansie said...

Gayle, I am so sorry. I hope you can find some comfort in the happy memories. Do take good care of yourself.

Cyberhugs...Joansie

Laurie said...

*sitting here crying*

Norma said...

Oh, Gayle. This process is so hard, and I love the way you and yours are handling it and the way you wrote this post. As hard and as wrong as it seems, there is much beauty there, too. Big hugs.

pacalaga said...

I'm so sorry, Gayle. I wish there was something to say to make it better. I still play Remember When.

amy said...

I'm so sorry... ((hugs)) It's good that your family is rallying around your mom, getting together to be with her.

Imbrium said...

I am so very sorry. My thoughts are with you and yours.

Cookie said...

Oh, Gayle. I am so sorry.

*hugs*

Erika said...

I’m so sorry.

Diane said...

Ah, I am so sorry. It's a miserable thing to go through. My thoughts are with you and your family. Please take care of yourself.

Tiggywinkle Knits said...

My heart breaks for you. Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Remember that your mother will always be with you, even when you think she isn't.

pat said...

A beautiful heartfelt post - I'm so sorry.

margene said...

Loosing your mother is never easy. Mine has been gone for 20 years and I still talk to her. My heart goes out to you, Gayle.